New Hat
Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.
I wish I could say that in a confessional, it always seemed very appropriate and iconic. Alas, I am not Catholic.
If you were to ask me what I was, I’d hesitate. I have been hesitating for the past 6 months. Truthfully, my whole life, but let’s be generous and categorize it as “six.”
I haven’t attended church since November or possibly February? Who is to say it’s all such a blur now. If anything, I am a blur. I have never felt so confused and distant from my past selves than I do now.
Today, I told my coworkers that I haven’t been a member for about a year. As soon as I said that the heavy load of guilt cascaded my shoulders. Because although it wasn’t a lie, it also wasn’t the truth. In the moment, I felt it was simpler to respond with a simple shake of the head instead of explaining how I’ve been on a fence and leaning more towards dispersing than fighting.
A part of me wanted it to be true, that I had cut all ties from the church and had found peace, however I am trying to decide if by shaking my head am I still unsatisfied because now I need to seek truth elsewhere? That my understanding of the world and afterlife is no longer in a neat package for my consumption? Or is it because I still have a relationship with God and read the scriptures that I feel caught?
Since I was young I recall thinking “I don’t belong here” but as I grew I found a little piece for me in the gospel albeit that was short lived and even then I was considered an outcast amongst my peers.
However, religion was viewed as a social status in high school, attending seminary and preaching apostles' words on social media platforms demonstrated how much you fit in with the general student body. You were welcomed. And, I wanted to be welcomed, I felt as though me fitting this mold, I’d find my place. And, I did, but I knew it was a temporary position that would not keep me satisfied for much longer. The many teachings pushed down my throat by different seminary leaders and their actions towards other students created such a turmoil within me that I began to stop going, that I felt more inner peace skipping my religious studies than attending.
But I did everything right. I got the medallion, I graduated seminary, I attended church regularly. However, when that social status obliterated as soon as I walked through my university’s doors, I hesitated again. I was receiving new ideas and perspectives, things I couldn’t learn within the claustrophobic walls of my high school and church teachings.
I fed my liberal views till it was strong and whole, and felt comforted in the way I viewed the world. I believed being open minded and compassionate was more compelling than any organized structure.
I suppose you could say I am more spiritual than religious. That I favor spirituality over organized religion. And, I would agree with that assumption. Although I view certain laws or doctrine of the church to be skewed to my moral compass, I do believe that there is some truth, as I believe there is truth in everything.
Which makes it so difficult to answer that question with a simple yes or no. What am I to define myself as if I rather not attend church anymore or actively participate but sit at home and read the scriptures and pray to my God? Should I consider myself a member or an apostate? Right now I am playing with the title of an apostate, trying it on like a new hat, I’ll let you know how I like it.